Julie, I have to disagree with you that "the specifics are not the issue". Specifics ARE important to any discussion that means to accomplish anything.
The opposite of "specifics" is "generalities". And generalities are the BASIS for all discrimination. Prejudice consists of assumptions made about character, behavior or value and applied to an entire group as a generality.
The effort to discuss specifics about anything is an effort to understand the general by inductive reasoning. Indeed, if it is truly is as you say "a pattern of behavior so ingrained in our society that it's just considered standard behavior" then the only way to BREAK that behavior and make it more VISIBLE is to point out the instances of it and discuss.
If you just don't WANT to detail some specific instances, that's fine. I certainly can't force anyone to. But my original point of asking was to increase my own understanding and hopefully contribute more meaningfully to the discussion.